A Mami's Letter

To:  My Three Dear, Sweet, Lovely Children

I DIDN'T WANT YOU.

Ouch! I bet you didn't see that one coming.  That may seem like a rough way to start out a letter to you kids, but you have known me all of your lives.  I am not one to sugar coat things. The truth is, before I learned of each and every one of your conceptions, I was not intending nor trying to have a baby.  In some cases, I was doing everything "right" to NOT have a baby.  I wasn't day dreaming about you.  I wasn't buying clothes for the child that I might one day have.  I wasn't praying against all odds that you would become mine.  So for all intents and purposes, though it sounds rather harsh, I did not want you.

My life was going along just fine before each of you.  I knew of no empty hole in my being that needed to be filled.  I was not sitting alone wanting a person to appear in my life that I would need to care for day in and day out.  I didn't have a longing or a want for you to come in to my life.

But you did! Each of you did in your own special, and surprising way. 

And...

As you may expect from your very real, but also sometime sap of a mami...

I may not have "wanted" you, but I am ever so glad you came anyway. And I want you terribly now, just as I have since the moment I found out about you.  Though I did not have the longing for a child at any of the times I became pregnant, when I found out I was going to be meeting each of you, overjoyed is not a big enough word to describe the emotions felt.  Finding out about each of you was like a child finding a giant Christmas present that accidentally was hidden and forgotten about. They weren't wanting, missing or longing for it, but once they saw the shiny paper and their name on the tag, they couldn't wait to open it and have what was inside! 

A... finding out I was going to be a mother after less than a year of marriage and while we were both still in college was terrifying to say the least. Learning that I was already four and a half months along the first time the doctor said "you're pregnant" was so far beyond shocking that shock was barely even visible in the rear view mirror.  You came at the wrong time, when we lived in the wrong house and  didn't even have enough money or experience as grown ups to take care of ourselves, let alone a whole new little person.You made me become an adult and I love you so very much for that.  I "wanted" to party with friends, graduate school, buy an amazing house and have a dog before I had a baby.  Instead of all of those things, I had you.  Boy, oh boy, is that ever the best trade in the history of all time!  Oh Bubba, you are my son with whom I am well pleased!  You are growing into an amazing little man.  I see, as I have since you were first able to interact with others, what a caring heart you have for people and it brings more joy to me than any party, or degree or house (or even my own dog) ever could.  You are silly, smart, handsome and I am so lucky to be able to call you mine!

J... I'm not particularly proud of it, but your daddy and I weren't married yet.  We talked about it and had a ring and all, but no wedding had taken place.  We didn't know where we were going to be living/moving and I had just finally gotten my arm back to normal from a pretty serious break and bone replacement.  I had been very ill as well, just before we found out about you.  But with the news that I was better soon came the news that you were alive inside me. It wasn't at all the right time and I had been wanting a home, a wedding, some adjustment time for the new little family forming with your big brother, daddy and me and of course, wanting more money before I thought of having another baby.  But, what I wanted flew out the window when I first saw you on the monitor.  I saw your little heart beat in side your chest and it made mine feel like it was going to explode with joy.  I was so nervous when I found out you were a girl because we all know, Mami doesn't do girl, but look how I have embraced your pinks and purples, ribbons and dresses.  I want you and all of those girly things you come with, my JarBear.  You are growing so fast, almost 2 now.  You are smart and funny and I cannot imagine a day in my life without you in it.

B... We were too busy to even think about another baby, let alone to want one.  We already had one and we did not want another, at least not right then.  We had baseball, basketball and football games to go to and teams to coach, we had diapers to change, walking and talking to teach, were just starting to get a little sleep at night and really wanted to keep doing that and we definitely wanted to be spending money on our new little family of four, not five.  But, there were those two little blue lines that the doctor confirmed were correct.  And very soon there after, there you were in my arms.  I was so delighted to have you there, because I had desperately wanted you to be there for the past 8 months.  I needed you there, once I knew you could be, to make myself and my family feel whole.  Beanie Baby, you have completed our odd little family of five.  At six months, you are beginning to show the world who I always knew you were.  You are caring (always sure to cry along when you hear your sister), strong (I am pretty sure you will be beating your big sister up as you as you can stand on your own two feet), loving (oh, those sweet, slobbery kisses) and your smile can light up even the darkest room.  I cannot wait to see what the future holds for you, but for now I am content having you as my little snuggle bug during those all to often sleepless nights.

There you have it, my three little monkeys.  The truth about you is that, to quote one of my favorite movies, you three "are everything I never knew I always wanted."