So, this is a more serious issue that I am trying to deal with in my personal life. I thought it might feel better to get it out, share with others and get your input.
I
have kept it no secret that I have had two, yes that's right TWO,
failed marriages. The best result that has come out of them are the
three wonderful lives that I am so privileged to have call me Mami,
Mommy, Mom, Mama, Ma and a few other names I'm not going to put on
here because they are not ones that Moms generally preferred to be
called and often wind up having someone spend some time in the corner
or without their cell phone depending on which child said what.
Anyone
out there dealing with divorce and children is going to have to face
the fact that they are going to have to decide how they are going to
parent in the future. Both parents are involved in the decision,
even if that involvement is to decide to simply be non-involved. The
three types of divorced I see are:
Joint
or Co-Parenting – I believe this is the best choice for the
children. It requires the parents to be actual adults and parents
and put aside their differences for the good of their child(ren).
The children may live in one or both parents' homes, may visit one or
both parents' homes etc, but what is constant is that the parents
communicate about decisions for their child(ren), work together to do
what is best for said child(ren), promise to keep arguments or
disputes about these decisions out of eye and earshot of the
child(ren), are actively involved in events in the child(ren)'s lives
such as birthdays, sporting events, performances, etc. TOGETHER.
They show a united front in the form of raising and supporting their
child(ren).
War
Parenting – This, I believe, is the absolute WORST choice for the
children. This is where the parents are continually feuding. There
is no consistency (which is key to the healthy development of
children mentally, physically and emotionally). It is when the adults
behave like selfish children and have no regard for what is best for
them. Often times the child(ren) are not valued as humans, rather
used more as weapons against the other adult. Sometimes, one parent
can desire the Joint or Co-Parenting approach, but if the other is a
War Parent, this is simply impossible. This choice is one that a
parent makes solely based on thinking of their anger or hurt alone.
Single
Parenting – This choice is a tough one to make, but sometimes
necessary. The way this choice would be necessary would be if one
parent had physically, emotionally or mentally abused the child(ren).
This is not a necessary choice, but becomes just a sad choice when
one parent just decides they don't care enough to try to be in their
child's life. This leaves the other parent to try to play both
mother and father roles and often leaves them falling short on both
accounts. By trying to play the disciplinarian all of the time, they
child can often miss out on those times of soft, gentle love and
compassion every child needs. By always being the gentle,
compassionate or fun one, the child misses out on the rules and
discipline that help them to learn right from wrong and that there
are consequences for bad behavior. Both put a strain on the single
parent and their child(ren)'s relationship in the long run.
See...
divorced parenting is NO FUN! I don't recommend it to anyone unless
you are in a truly toxic relationship. Now... on to an open letter
to my three beautiful children who, unfortunately, are dealing with
two of the three parenting situations. Which two? I will give you a
hint: Neither one is healthiest for them :-(
Dearest
JAB:
You
know how much I love you and how very grateful I am that I get to
call each one of you my child. I know that things in life have not
gone exactly the way we may have wanted them to and that our family
does not look like the same picture perfect families you may see at
some of your friends' homes. I am sorry that we do not have a family
that looks like that. I cannot fully explain to you all of the
reasons why right now and to be honest, I may never be able to do
that. What I can do right now is tell you what type of a divorced
parent I am and for the most part the reasons why.
A
– you are the oldest so I will start with you. As the first son in
a half Chinese home, you were such a cherished blessing. We doted on
you for the first two years, but things became very difficult. After
a several year fight to maintain or possibly finally let go of our
marriage, your Babi and I split up. It was not an easy choice. It
is still not easy. It is never easy to let your first love go or to
know that you are making your precious child that one of a divorced
home. For you, my son, I am a Divorced Single Parent. This is NEVER
the way Mami would have wanted it for you, even if the divorce was
eminent. Sometimes the other person in a divorced couple cannot see
how needed and valuable their role truly is. Sometimes they don't
want to make the commitments necessary to be an involved parent. For
that, I am so sorry for you. As you know, I am not truly a single
parent as you are parented by so many others who love you so much.
Nainai and Yeye (my parents for you readers who don't get that) have
stepped in to the role of provider and disciplinarian when I simply
couldn't do it. You are blessed with the most amazing, Godly school
teachers and coaches I have ever seen and on different occasions I
witnessed, particularly the males, having such a positive influence
in your life. You are loved by anyone who gets the chance to know
you. I tried to make up for you not having a dad around by going to
easily on you in a lot of ways or doing too much for you rather than
making you do it yourself. I am sorry for that. I am not sorry for
the love I was doing it out of, but I am sorry that I did not teach
you discipline as well as I should have. I know that we are getting
through this together and I am so proud of the almost teen you have
become. You are smart, a good Christian, athletic and (I am not only
saying this because you are my son – others say this too)
gooooooood looking! You are my pride and joy! I promise to be your
single parent better and hopefully one day there can be a Joint/Co
Parenting that can arise some day before it is too late.
JB
– My little princesses! You will not understand any of what I am
saying now, but maybe one day you can read this and understand a
little bit. To you both, I am a War Parent. Again, this is not by
choice. You will learn about Olive Branches being extended sometime
in Sunday School (which I promise I will always make sure you get to
go to, as you love it so much already.) I have made attempts at
doing this, which are met with extreme anger. Your father and I
NEVER should have been together. Some day down the road I am sure we
will have long talks about being evenly yoked. I pray for you to
find a man like that when you are old enough, every single night.
Marriage is not easy. It is about love, but it is also about hard
work, forgiveness, being present, bearing one another's burdens,
listening, admitting wrongs, trying to do right and patience. I am
not in any way saying that I did all of those in our relationship.
In fact, I did the COMPLETE opposite on some. Eventually, when you
don't have those things, the marriage just doesn't work. This can
lead to a lot of hurt and anger. Some people can begin to forgive
and soon after the anger becomes less and less. Some can't and the
anger grows and grows. I am a war parent only on the side of defense
at this point. My only desire is to be with you girls as much as I
can and to help you grow in to Godly women who are so much better
than I am. That's what all moms want for their daughters. You are
my minimes. You bring laughter and joy everywhere you go. Your
natural curls and amazing blue eyes stun the crowds. Mommy loves you
very much and I promise you that I will do my best to not be a War
parent, just to be a parent. I will continue to stick Olive Branches
out there and maybe one day you can say that you have divorced
Joint/Co Parents.
I
love you 3 with more love than I ever knew existed in this world.
Hang on tight to God and to each other and to me. I will always
have my arms open for a good, long hug.
Love,
Mami,
Mommy, Mom, Mama, Momma, Ma
